Can't Stay Away
by Isis FG
Summary: B/A fic - Post ATS s4/BTVS ep 'Touched' (7x20)…The battles were fought and won…what happened to Buffy?…Will the soulmates reunite? *MAJOR SPOILER WARNING!!!* - *COMPLETE*


Title: Can't Stay Away  
  
Author: Isis Blue  
  
Started: May 8, 2003  
  
Completed: May 9, 2003  
  
Feedback: yes, please.it's much needed and appreciated: vagabond_angel@comcast.net  
  
Disclaimer: *insert witty phrasing that translates to 'I don't own them'*  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Pairing: B/A, duh!  
  
Summary: Post BTVS/ATS s7/4.The battles were fought and won.what happened to Buffy?.Will the soulmates reunite?  
  
Spoilers: Specific, major ones for the ATS s4 finale, but consider everything up to the end of ATS s4 and through BTVS 'Touched' (ep 7x20) fair game.the only thing I've taken from what I know about the final 2 BTVS eps is Angel's appearance (but I've written that my way), and well I'm assuming everyone knows about that.  
  
Distribution: my site (Vagabond Soul), ff.net, BA_Fluff list, and LoD; & Starrkitty's Archives if they wants it, anyone else, just ask first.  
  
Author's Notes: This idea popped into my head almost the second I realized what was going on at the end of the ATS s4 finale. I know I'm supposed to be working on 'Forever Begins Again' but my muse (who is being incredibly fickle at the moment) ordered me to write this. I will still be working on FBA, but my muse is in charge.she leads, I follow.  
  
AN2: The title is taken from my most favorite Velvet Chain song of the same name, lyrics are included at the end of the fic, and if you want to hear the song, send me an email, I can figure out a way to send it to you.  
  
AN3: The whole premise of this fic is really.out there.and falls into the 'yeah right' realm. But I thought it would make an interesting story. I think it would actually have been better as a longer, more involved fic but I have one of those I'm working on already, so it's just a shorty. If anyone wants to use the concept, feel free, let me know, I'd be interested in reading it.  
  
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Part 1  
  
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He watched from afar, just as he always did, and just as he had promised himself he wouldn't all those years ago. Angel still didn't know what had caused him to make the decision he had made five years prior. The choice had flashed into his mind with a startling suddenness. He knew instantly that he would do it no matter how much he tried to talk himself out of it. Just as he knew that she would have hated him for making the choice for her. But something inside him was telling him that it was the one real, truth thing he could do for her. That it was his chance to give her the world.  
  
His memories shifted back to their final meeting back in Sunnydale just before her battle with The First. The look in her eyes was still vivid in his mind. On they surface they had shown her determination to win the battle, but he'd been able to see beyond that. He always had been able to. There, in the farthest depths, he saw the hurt, the loneliness, the betrayal, and just an overwhelming tiredness.  
  
She had brushed off his questions about what was going on in Sunnydale, told him it wasn't of importance at the moment. But he knew that something had happened, other than Apocalyptic evil. He didn't press, though, because she had been right, there were more important things to be dealt with. Even when the battle was over, the evil once again defeated, she had refused to tell him. He had his suspicions as to why, that she was afraid to let anyone in, especially him that he would stay out of some sense of pity.  
  
So he had gone to the next best source, his wayward childe whom had somehow come into possession of a soul. That piece of knowledge alone was mind boggling. But that was who he figured was the best person to press for information. He wasn't clueless, despite was people often thought about him. He could smell their intermingled scents. Although the aroma hadn't been one of two people who had been intimate, it was one of two people with a certain.closeness.  
  
Angel didn't know what exactly was going on between the two of them, and really, he didn't want to think about it. It was hard enough to fight the urge to pound the insolent whelp for daring to even get close to his mate without thinking about the depth of whatever their relationship may be.  
  
Regardless of whatever was between them, the knowledge of their closeness had led him to the bleach blonde vampire for information. He'd been prepared to beat it out of Spike, but surprisingly, the blonde had not put up any resistance. Maybe the soul had made him more or agreeable, or maybe he just had his own reason for talking.  
  
That was how he'd found out everything, and he did mean *everything*, that had occurred in her life the two previous years. Early into the morning, the revelations had spewed out of Spike's mouth. Learning that she had been in Heaven and not Hell had shaken him to the core, as did what had happened upon her resurrection, how lost she'd been, how she'd distanced herself, and her affair with Spike. He'd wanted to stake the vampire upon hearing that, but something in the blonde's eyes had told him his childe felt enough shame over the events.  
  
(AN: I didn't forget about the attempted rape, just assume Spike didn't tell Angel because that would definitely be something he would get his ass seriously kicked for.)  
  
Then he'd been told about Willow's temporary fall to darkness and Buffy's battle with her. And finally the last nine months of her life: her attempt to work a real job, the reemergence of The First and it's mind games, Spike's reappearance with a soul and his troubles, the potentials, the battles that had taken their toll on everyone, Giles' attempt to kill Spike, and finally, the mutiny among her friends. That last bit had explained it all for him.  
  
After all she had ever done for them, sacrificed for them, the number of times she had saved their lives and the world, they had repaid her by turning to another and kicking her out. He could only imagine how much everything was wearing her down, and then to have that happen.well, it told him everything he wanted to know about what he saw in her eyes. It had probably been the proverbial 'last straw'.  
  
She'd never fought for herself. It had always been for the world, and for those close to her, so that they could have a chance for tomorrow. To have them tell her they didn't trust her, or her judgment, it must have broken the last shard of hope in her heart. Angel still didn't understand how they could have been so ungrateful and uncaring.  
  
As he had sat there and contemplated everything he'd been told, he became grateful for Spike's presence in her life. That had not been an easy thing to admit. But he was truly glad that she'd had at least one person stick by her and not turn her out. He hated Spike for what he'd done to her after her resurrection, but if anyone understood the effects of a soul in a demon's body, it was Angel. He found that he could not hold any malice toward the blonde vampire. He'd been there for her to depend on when she needed it most. He couldn't help but be grateful for that. And yet, at the same time, there was a voice in his head telling him that he should have been the one there for her.  
  
He never told her that he knew all that had happened, he knew she didn't want his pity. Every ounce of his being had told him to stay in Sunnydale, to hold her and let her cry on his shoulder. But he'd obliged when she told him to leave, told him she'd be okay, and that he had a life to get back to. The look in her eyes had scared him more than he could put into words. It was as if there was nothing left for her. The trust in her friends, her family, had been shattered. They had been her tie to the world and that tie was now tethered to nothing. He knew all too well what it felt like to have no connection to the world. And that's why he was afraid for her and what thoughts he knew had to be swirling around in her head.  
  
The fear for her life had eaten away at him the entire drive back from Sunnydale. He knew that he had to do something for her, anything. She deserved better than what she had. And that's when the idea had come to him. It had been a completely insane idea, but it was the only thing he could think of. It was the only way to give her a chance to live life.  
  
So he'd done it. He'd made the deal. It hadn't been that hard, not after he'd pointed out the inherent positives of his request to the only person who could get it done. There was no hesitation in his decision, just a deep sadness in his soul at the possibilities that would be lost, and also a hope that she would finally have the life she deserved.  
  
Nobody, other than the people who'd actually completed the plan, knew what he'd done. Nobody even remembered the girl who was responsible for saving the world more times than she should have had to. And nobody knew that Buffy Summers, the girl who once had been The Slayer, had been implanted into a happy family living in the quiet hills of California where she had a mother named Carolyn, a father named Eric, a sister named Jessica.and a brother named Connor.  
  
^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^  
  
Part 2  
  
^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^  
  
As he had with Connor, Angel had gone to check on her after the change had been made. His soul wouldn't rest until he saw that she was happy and at peace. So he stood and watched as she visited with her family, a smile upon her face. She looked the same, but her eyes no longer held the misery of years of loss.  
  
He told himself that it was the final time he would see her, that he would leave her to live her new life without him looking over her shoulder. It had seemed plausible at the time. But he had been kidding himself to think that he would ever be able to stay away from her.for long.  
  
For the first six months after he'd made the decision, he had been able to keep his promise, but she was always in his mind. Was she happy now? Was she thriving? Were there any lingering effects from the change? The questions ate away at him. There were times where all he did was worry about her.  
  
It was a strange state of mind. For nearly two years he had pushed virtually every thought of his one true love from his mind. He'd lost himself in what surrounded him and let others push him in directions they saw fit. Maybe there had been something between him and Cordelia, but whatever it was, it didn't hold a candle to what he felt for his Buffy. The moment he looked into her eyes all those years ago had forced him to remember. Nobody could ever take her place in his heart.  
  
That reality had been both a blessing and a nightmare. It had made him wake up and right his path in life. His focus again turned to protecting the world, to his mission. He kept the world safe for everyone, and also just for her, so that she could live a happy, safe life. So that she could have a future.  
  
And therein lay the nightmare. Her future would never again include him. He'd always fought with the hope that someday, they would regain the chance to be together. That hope had hesitantly blossomed at the news of his chance to be human again all those years ago. But her new life had definitively quashed any hope that they would be reunited. Which is why his Shanshu two years earlier had been bittersweet.  
  
To be human again was all that he could have ever hoped for. But it had lost its luster because it no longer meant he could now give Buffy everything she deserved. She already had all that in her new life. She didn't even remember his existence or their love.  
  
Whatever the ugly truths were, it couldn't stop him from lurking, from watching her from afar. The temptation was too great. So he watched, not very often, but enough to 'check up on her', or so he told himself. Seeing her laugh, smile, have fun.it was soothing to his battered soul, and yet at the same time it caused an endless ache in his heart because she was happy and he couldn't be there with her.  
  
The only reluctant solace he could take was that she was not seriously involved with anyone. He'd begrudgingly seen her on dates, but they never progressed past the casual stage. He knew he should feel bad for the fact that there wasn't someone special in her life, but he couldn't. The macho pride in him sang at the thought that no other man had been able to enter her heart as he had.  
  
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Part 3  
  
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He'd received the shock of his life the time he saw her sitting in a coffee shop with Willow, of all people. The fact that Willow was there wasn't surprising, just them together. He had known Willow was in LA although he only spoke to her occasionally.  
  
After the final battles, the Scooby Gang had, for the most part, gone their separate ways. Xander and Anya had reconciled and moved to Seattle. Giles had returned to England, Willow had moved to LA and transferred to UCLA. As for Spike and Dawn, well, they were now a part of the AI team.  
  
Dawn's presence was not all that surprising. She had no one. Her memories told her she was, for intents and purposes, an orphan, an only child whose mother died and whose father didn't care about her. So Angel had taken her in, feeling it was the very least he could do for taking away the sister she no longer remembered.  
  
Why Spike was there, Angel wasn't always quite sure himself. But really, it was out of thanks and appreciation for the blonde's loyalty to Buffy when she needed it most. And also because Angel understood what it was like to have a soul in a demon's body. He felt he owed it to the vampire to give him a chance to do right in the world.  
  
Of course, none of them had any memory of Buffy ever existing, but the events in their pasts involving her had still occurred. Their memories had just been altered to attribute everything to either Faith or other causes. Such as Spike's soul, which they all believed had been a result of a vengeance act by Drusilla.  
  
So the fact that Buffy and Willow were together was disturbing and confusing at the same time. Angel later found out through casually prodding Willow that they had met when they shared a class together at UCLA and developed a close friendship. It was rather ironic that in two different lives, Buffy had befriended the red-head. Part of Angel hated it because of what had transpired between the two before the battles, and part of him was happy that she had been able to start the friendship over and have a person to depend on.  
  
The pair was who he was watching on this night, the one night a month he allowed himself to check up on her. It was a small compromise between watching her constantly, and staying completely away. He should have known he'd never be able to stay.  
  
Tonight, they were sitting on the patio of a café, chatting over dinner. He reveled being remotely in her presence, content to drink in her appearance. It sometimes took all of his restraint not to go over and talk to her. What harm could it do? She didn't know who he was, didn't remember all the hurt in their shared past. But he knew he couldn't, knew it wasn't right.  
  
For him, it was almost enough just to see her, to know that she was safe and happy. He would have given anything to be a part of her life, but it was not to be. He could only take comfort in the fact that she had gotten her chance to have the life she deserved. It was all he had ever wanted.  
  
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Part 4  
  
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She knew that *he* was watching her again. She always knew when he was there. When it had first started four and a half years earlier, it had confused and scared somewhat. Who was he? Why was he watching her? Did he want to hurt her? But she had never felt truly afraid. Something inside her had told her that she had nothing to fear.  
  
The first time she had caught a glimpse at the mysterious stranger her breath had been taken away. He was absolutely gorgeous, at least from what she could tell. He tended to stay in the shadows where she couldn't get a clear look. Since then, she had spotted him a few other times, but mostly it was just a feeling that was near.  
  
For a long time she wondered why he watched her and why he never attempted to talk to her. But her curiosity over the situation had changed two years earlier. She no longer wondered, she only knew that it was a waiting game until the time was right to reveal to the dark haired man that she knew he watched her.  
  
She let her eyes casually roam the far off shadows as she sat and had dinner with Willow. He was there, somewhere. She could feel it inside, the tingle down her spine, the slight increase in her heartbeat. It was such a rush.  
  
Finally, she spotted his poorly hidden figure in an alley across the street. He was wearing all black, as usual. She didn't watch him for long for fear of giving away that she knew he was there. There was always a feeling inside her when he was near, but tonight, it was different, more powerful than usual. Was this the sign? The one that would tell her it was time?  
  
Her dinner date with Willow lasted an hour, most of which Buffy found herself distracted through. When they finally finished and stood to say their goodbyes, her eyes glanced to the spot across the street where she was greeted by the sight of his retreating back. The feeling of sadness inside her was stronger than it ever was when he stopped watching her. Was this part of the sign she had been waiting for?  
  
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Part 5  
  
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After tearing himself away from ogling Buffy, Angel aimlessly wandered through the streets of Los Angeles. He felt more dejected than he normally did after seeing her. The urge to pull her close and kiss her had been so strong. Maybe this was telling him that it was time to cut all ties to Buffy, to cease his 'stalking' of her. He pondered the thought as he leaned on the railing in front of him. Somehow he'd ended up at the Santa Monica pier, a place he normally avoided.  
  
"Pretty view." The achingly familiar and unexpected voice snapped him out of his reverie.  
  
All of the color drained from Angel's face as he slowly turned to face the owner of the voice. She couldn't really be there. He had to be going insane. There was no way that Buffy could possible be standing only a few feet from him, staring into his shocked eyes.  
  
"So it's not a pretty view," Buffy stated with a raised eyebrow due to his lack of speech at her earlier statement.  
  
Angel was still unable to form words. She was really there. That fact was too much for him to comprehend. What was she doing there? Why was she talking to him?  
  
"Hmm, so it's neither. That's makes it tough on a girl.also doesn't help that you haven't said a thing," she joked with a slight smile before walking up to the railing and leaning back against it.  
  
"W-what are you doing here?" he finally managed to stutter out.  
  
"He speaks," she answered with a slight tilt of her head. "Why am I here? Well, I thought maybe I'd turn the tables. You get to follow me.why shouldn't I get to follow you?"  
  
The remaining color in Angel's face promptly left at the realization that he'd been caught. "I di-.I'm.I'm sorry," he sighed nervously, turning to face away from her. "How long have you known?"  
  
"I always know when you're there, Angel," Buffy replied as casually as possible, knowing full well the reaction it was going to initiate. As if on cue, Angel spun around, staring straight at her, utter shock written all over his face.  
  
"W-what did you say?" No.she couldn't possibly have said.  
  
"Which part?" she asked although she knew full well what exactly he wanted to know.  
  
"H-how did know m-my name?" Angel questioned, taking a nervous step closer to her. There was no possible way she could know his name.  
  
"Funny story," Buffy began before she turned away from Angel to gaze out over the ocean. "June 22, 2006. A man suddenly appeared in my apartment.said he had something important to tell me. He said that the Powers were ready to fix a wrong they'd long ago committed."  
  
"What?" Angel nearly shrieked. They didn't.they couldn't.  
  
"That's what he said. And by the end of his visit, I had some brand new shiny memories of a life I used to lead," Buffy replied, lacking the serious tone to her voice that should have been present.  
  
Angel remained silent, digesting the information he'd just been given. Then, suddenly, he was angry. How could the Powers have done that? How could they have given her all her memories back? She didn't deserve to have them plaguing her mind. That's not what he wanted for her. She was supposed to be free of all of it.  
  
"You remember it all?" he asked dejectedly, feeling that what he'd done five years earlier had been for nothing.  
  
"No.not in the sense you mean," corrected Buffy before she explained further. "They didn't restore the memories of my other life. They only showed me that it existed, but I don't have any feelings or associations with the images."  
  
"I don't understand," Angel stated. It didn't make sense. Why would they just give her knowledge of her life as a Slayer?  
  
"The point wasn't to give me the memories of my old life back. They were just. a reference point or something so that they could give me the memories that were most important," told Buffy, knowing that her words still weren't making sense to him.  
  
"They only wanted you to know to know certain things?" questioned Angel. What exactly were the Powers up to?  
  
"One thing. They only wanted me to know one thing. The rest.just vague images to show the life existed. But they are like pictures in someone else's photo album to me. They don't make me feel anything, but there was one thing they gave me full-on, surround sound memories of," she explained further and then waited for what she already knew his next question would be.  
  
"What?" He was almost afraid to ask. It was too much to hope that that one thing was what he wanted it to be.  
  
Buffy turned around to face him again, staring straight into his eyes as she spoke. "You."  
  
"Me?" Angel repeated. He couldn't help the hope that suddenly rose within him.  
  
"Yes, you," she took a few steps toward him, coming to a stop mere a foot away from him. "They gave me back you. The memories, the feelings.well not all the memories, or so I'm told. He said there were some that were better off left unknown."  
  
Angelus. That was his first thought. They probably kept those memories hidden. For that he was eternally grateful. Those memories were definitely something she did not need. But they had given her memories of him, of them. Why had they done it? He wanted to ask, but his mind was too much in shock to form a coherent thought.  
  
"Don't you want to know why?" she asked and at his slight nod she went on. "To right a wrong. He said they knew we were meant to be together, but that they hadn't ever done anything to allow it. They had thought it would be corrected when you regained your humanity but that my new life prevented it so they had to step in."  
  
Angel's head dropped at the mention of what he had done. Guilt instantly coursed through him. She now knew about the decision he'd made for her. "I'm sorry."  
  
"Don't be," Buffy shrugged slightly. Angel's head snapped up instantly.  
  
"But.but.what I did...," he trailed off, not sure how to explain his actions.  
  
"I'm not mad about it. I can't be. I have a good life now. I know it's not always been real, but.I can't regret that I have this life. I have a good job, friends, a happy, healthy family. There's nothing I can regret in this life," she explained, wondering if it made sense to him.  
  
"For a while after I found out about my other life, I wanted to know more, I wanted the memories. But then I just.I realized I didn't need them. What I did know told me it wasn't exactly a good life. Why would I want to bring back so many bad memories? It just stopped mattering. I didn't need them, not when I had a life I was happy with. And.," she stopped before saying the last sentence and stared into Angel's eyes.  
  
"And what?" he asked, moving a small step closer too her.  
  
"And not when I still have you," she whispered softly.  
  
"How can you still want me after what I did? I gave you a new life without asking, I just did it," Angel stated in total disbelief. He almost couldn't accept her words. It was too much to hope that she could forgive him.  
  
"I don't need to forgive you. I know that what you did was out of love for me, that you wanted me to have a better life than whatever I was living then," she raised a hand up to cup his cheek. He was still so handsome even though he'd aged a few years.  
  
"Oh Buffy," Angel choked out and then pulled her into his arms.  
  
They clung to each other, savoring the other's essence that they had been apart from for so long. Each felt as if they were returning home, returning to the one place they'd ever felt at peace. For long minutes, they embraced each other, not needing to say the words their bodies were expressing.  
  
"Why did you wait so long to tell me?" Angel asked softly, realizing that the date she had mentioned earlier was two years prior.  
  
Buffy lifted her head slightly to look at him before answering. "At first it was all so confusing; I just needed to sort it all out. And really I just didn't know what to do, or when to do it. The man had said that I would know in my heart when it was the right time to tell you. Tonight, when I saw you across the street, I just knew inside that I was ready. That's why I followed you here."  
  
"I'm glad you did," spoke Angel as he tilted her head up and leaned down to engage her in a long desired kiss.  
  
Their mouths fused, years of need coming out at once. Angel pulled her closer, needing to feel her small, lithe body against his. Her hands clasped around his neck as his tangled in her long blonde hair. The kiss seemed never-ending, but finally they broke apart, both panting for air.  
  
"I tried to stay away. Tried to let you live your life, but I just couldn't," Angel whispered, his forehead leaning against hers.  
  
"Shh," Buffy placed a finger on his lips. "It doesn't matter. All that matters is that I love you."  
  
"I love you, too," Angel answered, capturing her lips yet again in a kiss that held the promise of a future. One that they would finally be able to spend together, after so much pain, so much heartache, and odds that seemed unbeatable. This was finally their chance.  
  
^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^  
  
Can't Stay Away  
  
by Velvet Chain  
  
You've always been close to me  
  
Even when we disagreed  
  
I've got that weakness for you  
  
Doesn't matter what you do  
  
I wanted to stay away  
  
I tried to stay away  
  
I wanted to stay away  
  
But I can't stay away from you  
  
I don't know if I want to  
  
Even when I'm on my knees  
  
You're still hard to please  
  
And if I left you behind  
  
Only be a matter of time  
  
I tried but I can't forget you  
  
You carved your name on me  
  
I tried since the day I met you  
  
To keep my sanity...  
  
And I don't know what to do...  
  
I can't... stay away from you...  
  
I can't... stay away from you...  
  
I can't... stay away from you...  
  
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THE END!  
  
Send me feedback.please.I'll beg if necessary! 


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